January 2012
4 posts
1 tag
l.w.a.g.s.c.a.a.g.w.c.,r.
Dear Ladies Wearing a Giant Strawberry Costume and a Giant Watermelon Costume, Respectively,
You probably think I was looking at you judgmentally because you were wearing fruit costumes.
AU CONTRAIRE. I was disdainful because that is an unlikely salad pairing.
Make a little effort next time,
Cirocco
k.d.
Dear Kevin Depew,
I refuse your suicide or God ultimatum.
Won’t adhere to your manichean modality,
Cirocco
2 tags
"k.o."
Dear “Kelly O’Donnell”,
You knew I was on to you because you saw me looking at the name tag you’d left on.
But when you made a call UNDERGROUND and ON THE SUBWAY I knew you were a spy.
Dasvidaniya,
Cirocco
2 tags
g.s.n.t.m.o.t.t.
Dear Guy Sitting Next to Me On The Train,
I always move over and usurp the corner seat when someone leaves it because it’s the best seat.
I always feel guilty you think it’s you.
Sometimes it is,
Cirocco
October 2011
1 post
3 tags
l.w.p.u.m.p.
Dear Lady Who Picked Up My Phone,
Thanks.
Thanks for doing it even though I dropped it behind me and half-heartedly looked toward the sound and then just stared at you until you were socially obligated to pick it up.
Thanks,
Cirocco
September 2011
2 posts
2 tags
t.j.c.
Dear Trader Joe’s Cashier,
Sorry I took so long looking in the bag I brought from home before I handed it over.
I was concerned there might be a sock in it.
I’m disgusting,
Cirocco
2 tags
g.c.o.t.p.i.w.c.s.i.m.h.t.t.s.s.
Dear Guy Checking Out the Peach I Was Carrying Safely in my Hands Through the Subway Station, Just fyi, the song I was singing in my head when I made eye contact with you was:
“Don’t want m’peach to get squishysquishy squish squishysquishy.”
I hope you sensed what was behind my cold neutral I’m-on-the-Subway Face, Cirocco
August 2011
3 posts
4 tags
p.h.w.b.a.t.w.b.
Dear Potential Husbands Who Bike Along the Williamsburg Bridge,
The winner is the man who offered me help with my flat tire yesterday.
Sure, he was ambiguously homeless and ambiguously 56 years old. But he was there when I needed him even though I said a quiet no and avoided eye contact.
Said yes with my heart,
Cirocco
3 tags
s-b.h.a.
Dear Shame-Based Hipster Advertisers,
CONGRATULATIONS.
Mortified and covered in wide-ties,
Cirocco
3 tags
b.s.
Dear Bagel Salesman,
Thanks for our conversation.
I will be transcribing it in my upcoming book How To Turn Mildly Uncomfortable Sexual Harrassment Into Awkward Fake Misunderstandings That I End With Knowing Looks.
Me: Oh, poppy seed, thanks.
Him: Poppy. That’s a good lookin papi, eh?
Me: Oh. Puppies. There are puppies next door.
Him: No. I said poppy. That’s a good looking...
July 2011
2 posts
1 tag
o.w.m.
Dear Old Wise Man,
As I walked by, you pointed at me and shouted “HOW ARE YOU YOU’RE LATE”.
Unfortunately all I said was “Oh.” instead of “I’M FINE WHAT FOR?” which any reasonable person being spoken to by an oracle would do.
Late,
Cirocco
4 tags
g.w.a.m.i.t.e.t.g.t.7.a.
Dear Guy Who Asked Me if the E Train Goes to 7th Avenue,
I knowingly smiled at your ignorance and shook my head with authority.
It was with a leaden heart I poked my head out of the train to look for you and retract my response.
I really effed this one up,
Cirocco
June 2011
8 posts
2 tags
l.w.t.d.a.w.t.c.o.h.w.
Dear Lady Whose Tone Didn’t Agree With The Content Of Her Words,
It was after work and we both stopped in the bathroom our offices share before heading out. I was putting my hair up and you grandmotherly said:
Getting ready to hit the streets, hey!
I nodded because I didn’t know what else to do.
Didn’t mean to confess to being a hooker today,
Cirocco
4 tags
m.t.i.f.o.t.p.
Dear Man Texting in Front of that Plant,
Only a real friend would show you that it doesn’t necessarily read as texting from this angle.
We’re done here,
Cirocco
2 tags
g.s.a.f.m.w.o.y.l.a.n.w.i.l.u.i.a.l.a.y.a.y.a.m.l.a...
Dear Guy Sitting Across From Me Who Opened Your Laptop and Now When I Look Up I am Looking at You Above Your And My Laptops And It Feels Uncomfortably Intimate,
If you read this, blink three times.
Til creepy do us part,
Cirocco
3 tags
e.
Dear Entrepreneur,
At first I was uncertain about your choice of venue being a small glass closet in the middle of the street.
And then I saw you were having a sale on ALL THESE ITEMS:
I’ll take one of everything!
Cirocco
3 tags
g.s.o.t.b.a.f.m.b.d.l.
Dear Guy Sitting on the Bench Across From My Bench During Lunch,
Look. At least I always TRY to use chopsticks.
It’s just that my hands feel like ninja turtle hands sometimes.
Apologetically,
Cirocco
4 tags
s.
Dear STRAIGHT-O,
NOOOOOOOOOOO!
Let’s get you an Italian Ice,
Cirocco
1 tag
c.
Dear Controller,
Your shirt said “I am the controller” which I was skeptical about until you shuffled some papers and said:
Boom. Got it.
Then I believed you were the controller.
Respectfully,
Cirocco
4 tags
e.w.o.a.s.t.w.s.c.b.6.a.a.h.
Dear Everyone Who Owns A Store That Would Sell Chips Between 6th Avenue and Hudson,
All you have to do is add Honey Dijon flavored Kettle Chips to your inventory list.
Then we wouldn’t all have to witness me walking into 5 different stores looking like a lost puppy.
Let’s talk about this when we’ve all cooled down,
Cirocco
May 2011
10 posts
1 tag
l.w.s.m.m.b.b.
Dear Lady Who Sells Me My Biweekly Burrito,
I have finally solidified the story in my head that I buy so many burritos with the sole purpose of taking them to a nice old woman I sit with and talk/read to twice a week.
This is a secret elaborate lie that I tell only myself.
This is what crazy is, right?
Cirocco
3 tags
n.a.w.j.i.i.t.e.i.m.
Dear Netflix Associate Whose Job it is to E-mail Individual Members,
You had to choose the moment my friend was looking over my shoulder to reveal my most EMBARRASSING SECRET?
Also, I watched this last night while I ate two different kinds of cake.
Slowly erasing guilty from guilty pleasure,
Cirocco
3 tags
a.h.
Dear Astute Hairdresser,
You said:
Have you had bad experiences with haircuts before? I can tell.
Thanks for pointing out that my beaten puppy persona carries over even into my haircuts.
Oliver,
Cirocco
3 tags
l.n.
Dear Legitimate Neurologist,
I’d like to be treated for my brain cancer, and also a bikini wax please.
Will tip 20%,
Cirocco
3 tags
k.c.
Dear Katie Couric,
When I saw that you were signing off for the last time, I legitimately thought it was because of the rapture.
Too many news,
Cirocco
1 tag
p.w.w.y.a.b.o.t.b.w.o.t.t.l.
Dear Person Who Wrote “You are beautiful!” on the Bathroom Wall of the Tea Lounge,
I blushed and smiled!
In Park Slope even toilet graffiti is adorable,
Cirocco
2 tags
m.w.g.a.t.q.f.a.t.m.
Dear Man Who Gathers All the Quarters From All the Meters,
Thanks for showing me that these do not go straight down the metal tube into an underground sci-fi quarter labyrinth.
Newly practical,
Cirocco
1 tag
i.w.
Dear Irritated Waitress,
Look, I know it’s annoying I spilled an entire cup of syrup on your chair but just know I also spilled an entire cup of syrup ALL OVER MY PANTS.
Grown women are allowed to order cinnamon toast with syrup to dip it in,
Cirocco
2 tags
w.t.t.w.a.r.b.t.t.c.r.
Dear Whoever Thought This Was A Reasonable Base To Top Cup Ratio,
It isn’t.
HOW DO I HOLD THIS,
Cirocco
4 tags
i.g.
Dear Innocent Guy,
You asked from a few feet away from me:
Does the train come from this direction?
I said yes and then you walked away.
Sorry I immediately checked my bag for my wallet,
Cirocco
April 2011
2 posts
2 tags
t.p.
Dear Totally Prepared,
I don’t know what you know but I’m scared that I don’t know it.
Warmly,
Cirocco
3 tags
a.&.m.
Dear Anthony & Matt,
I found your gift message in a hallway.
There is a time and a place for comic sans.
Good grief,
Cirocco
March 2011
3 posts
2 tags
c.a.
Dear Craigslist Advertiser,
You had me at “female mannequin torso lamp/light lingerie display”.
I’ll take three,
Cirocco
w.i.n.d.
Dear Well-Intentioned New Dad,
When the train doors closed, you looked at your child and said “yoink”.
Your kid’s gonna fail cartoon phraseology,
Cirocco
5 tags
l.w.o.t.d.f.t.i.o.t.l.f.m.w.i.t.i.w.l.
Dear Lady Who Opened The Door From The Inside of the Library For Me When I Thought It was Locked,
It wasn’t until I’d thanked you and walked into the lobby that I realized it WAS NOT the library and was in fact the apartment building NEXT TO the library.
Still waiting here to avoid embarrassment,
Cirocco
February 2011
4 posts
3 tags
n.y.t.i.s.m.
Dear New York Transit Intimidating Sign Makers,
This looks less like a warning and more like the start of an informative Sesame Street sketch about the number 7.
7 Deadly Sins! Ah ah ah,
Cirocco
4 tags
e.f.
Dear Excited Face,
You looked up excitedly at the same time I looked up excitedly but I’m pretty sure YOUR face was not because the train sometimes screeches the first three notes of “Somewhere” from West Side Story.
#nohomo,
Cirocco
3 tags
i.w.
Dear Incredulous Woman,
You seemed surprised I sat between a potentially homeless man and a potentially homeless sleeping man. In my defense, the train was crowded and my Whole Foods bag was simply too laden with gold to remain standing.
Esquire,
Cirocco
3 tags
m.o.
Dear Mary O’Leary,
I heard that a friend’s friend is going on a date with you. Now I’m not the girl to make assumptions based on a person’s name but I’m about 90% certain you will show up dressed like this:
Chim chim,
Cirocco
January 2011
16 posts
y.t.c.
Dear Yogi Tea Copywriters,
I never took you for the passive aggressive type.
Just CALL ME next time,
Cirocco
2 tags
h.b.y.
Dear Humble Bless You-er,
I sneezed three times on the train this morning and each time you said bless you in a tense sotto voce. I looked up each time but no one was looking at me.
Thanks for your terrifying courtesy,
Cirocco
4 tags
g.w.s.a.m.a.t.c.a.t.l.a.t.c.b.w.f.
Dear Guy Who Smiled At Me At The Cafe And Then Left And Then Came Back With Flowers,
I am surprised that after all that trouble you forgot to give them to me.
Yours,
Cirocco
2 tags
k.l.a.m.r.m.w.a.j.s.
Dear Kid Looking At My Reading Materials With a Judgmental Sneer,
Yeah, I was reading Aristotle. Guess what, this weekend I’mma sing arias and translate some French.
Get off my pretentious nuts,
Cirocco
2 tags
m.o.
Dear Maureen O’Connor,
You couldn’t have kept this one under your hat?
http://gawker.com/5732115/your-zodiac-sign-may-have-changed?skyline=true&s=i
aRiEz4LyFe,
Cirocco
2 tags
b.e.a.c.o.a.r.g.w.i.w.c.o.t.g.m.t.t.h.b.i.t.t.w.d.g...
Dear Bacon, Egg, and Cheese on a Roll Guys Who I Was Counting On To Get Me Through Today’s Hangover Because I Thought Today Was Definitely Going To Be A Snow Day And Not A Work Day,
YOU’RE NOT THERE.
WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME.
Cirocco
1 tag
g.w.h.t.d.o.f.m.b.i.s.d.m.m.d.u.h.a.
Dear Guy Who Held the Door Open For Me But In So Doing Made Me Duck Under His Arm,
It was weird.
Without due gratitude,
Cirocco
3 tags
s.i.
Dear Studious Immigrant,
I must admit I was disappointed when you put away your Q&A flash cards about US history.
We were learning!
Cirocco
1 tag
c.c.g.
Dear Cozy Cafe Guy,
Probably the least appropriate place you could have chosen to sit was on the arm of my comfy chair.
Has a hard time leaving a comfy chair no matter the circumstances,
Cirocco
3 tags
m.m.s.s.
Dear Manhattan Mini Storage Staff,
I’m surprised to see you can be as playful and snarkjabby as Gawker commenters:
Wouldn’t want to be seen teabagging anyone in this political clime,
Cirocco
1 tag
l.w.i.t.s.
Dear Lady Walking in the Snow,
You had a hood with a furry rim that went all around your hidden face.
You looked like a straight up sea anemone.
Damn girl,
Cirocco