Dear My First Sales Client,
Buy yourself these sideways read-y glasses!
Finally, you can “read in bed or watch TV while lying flat on your back”!
These women are using them and they don’t look like corpses at all!
Dear Guy Sitting Next to Me On The Train,
I always move over and usurp the corner seat when someone leaves it because it’s the best seat.
I always feel guilty you think it’s you.
Sometimes it is,
Dear Lady Who Picked Up My Phone,
Thanks for doing it even though I dropped it behind me and half-heartedly looked toward the sound and then just stared at you until you were socially obligated to pick it up.
Dear Trader Joe’s Cashier,
Sorry I took so long looking in the bag I brought from home before I handed it over.
I was concerned there might be a sock in it.
Dear Guy Checking Out the Peach I Was Carrying Safely in my Hands Through the Subway Station,
Just fyi, the song I was singing in my head when I made eye contact with you was:
“Don’t want m’peach to get squishysquishy squish squishysquishy.”
I hope you sensed what was behind my cold neutral I’m-on-the-Subway Face,
Dear Potential Husbands Who Bike Along the Williamsburg Bridge,
The winner is the man who offered me help with my flat tire yesterday.
Sure, he was ambiguously homeless and ambiguously 56 years old. But he was there when I needed him even though I said a quiet no and avoided eye contact.
Said yes with my heart,
Dear Shame-Based Hipster Advertisers,
Mortified and covered in wide-ties,
Dear Bagel Salesman,
Thanks for our conversation.
I will be transcribing it in my upcoming book How To Turn Mildly Uncomfortable Sexual Harrassment Into Awkward Fake Misunderstandings That I End With Knowing Looks.
Me: Oh, poppy seed, thanks.
Him: Poppy. That’s a good lookin papi, eh?
Me: Oh. Puppies. There are puppies next door.
Him: No. I said poppy. That’s a good looking PAPI.
Me: I know what you said.
Taking back the night, one pun deviation at a time,
Dear Old Wise Man,
As I walked by, you pointed at me and shouted “HOW ARE YOU YOU’RE LATE”.
Unfortunately all I said was “Oh.” instead of “I’M FINE WHAT FOR?” which any reasonable person being spoken to by an oracle would do.
Dear Guy Who Asked Me if the E Train Goes to 7th Avenue,
I knowingly smiled at your ignorance and shook my head with authority.
It was with a leaden heart I poked my head out of the train to look for you and retract my response.
I really effed this one up,