Dear Ladies Wearing a Giant Strawberry Costume and a Giant Watermelon Costume, Respectively,

You probably think I was looking at you judgmentally because you were wearing fruit costumes.

AU CONTRAIRE. I was disdainful because that is an unlikely salad pairing.

Make a little effort next time,

Cirocco

Dear Kevin Depew,

I refuse your suicide or God ultimatum.

Won’t adhere to your manichean modality,

Cirocco

Dear “Kelly O’Donnell”,

You knew I was on to you because you saw me looking at the name tag you’d left on.

But when you made a call UNDERGROUND and ON THE SUBWAY I knew you were a spy.

Dasvidaniya,

Cirocco

Dear Guy Sitting Next to Me On The Train,

I always move over and usurp the corner seat when someone leaves it because it’s the best seat.

I always feel guilty you think it’s you.

Sometimes it is,

Cirocco

Dear Lady Who Picked Up My Phone,

Thanks.

Thanks for doing it even though I dropped it behind me and half-heartedly looked toward the sound and then just stared at you until you were socially obligated to pick it up.

Thanks,

Cirocco

Dear Trader Joe’s Cashier,

Sorry I took so long looking in the bag I brought from home before I handed it over.

I was concerned there might be a sock in it.

I’m disgusting,

Cirocco

Dear Guy Checking Out the Peach I Was Carrying Safely in my Hands Through the Subway Station,

Just fyi, the song I was singing in my head when I made eye contact with you was:

“Don’t want m’peach to get squishysquishy squish squishysquishy.”

I hope you sensed what was behind my cold neutral I’m-on-the-Subway Face,
Cirocco

Dear Potential Husbands Who Bike Along the Williamsburg Bridge,

The winner is the man who offered me help with my flat tire yesterday.

Sure, he was ambiguously homeless and ambiguously 56 years old.  But he was there when I needed him even though I said a quiet no and avoided eye contact.

Said yes with my heart,

Cirocco

Dear Shame-Based Hipster Advertisers,

CONGRATULATIONS.

Mortified and covered in wide-ties,

Cirocco

Dear Bagel Salesman,

Thanks for our conversation.

I will be transcribing it in my upcoming book How To Turn Mildly Uncomfortable Sexual Harrassment Into Awkward Fake Misunderstandings That I End With Knowing Looks.

Me: Oh, poppy seed, thanks.

Him: Poppy.  That’s a good lookin papi, eh?

Me: Oh. Puppies. There are puppies next door.

Him: No. I said poppy.  That’s a good looking PAPI.

Me: I know what you said.

Taking back the night, one pun deviation at a time,

Cirocco